If You Give A Housewife A….

In the stylings of the great Laura Numeroff.

If you give a housewife (stay-at-home mom, director of home life, temporarily unemployed, happily unemployed) a dog she’ll need to take it for a walk.

When she looks at the dog she’ll realize that the dog needs to be brushed and can use a bath.

As she heads to the basement to get the dog brush, she’ll pass by the dog bed. She’ll notice that the dog bed is all scuzzy and covered with dog hair and will definitely need to be washed before the soon-to-be clean dog can lay on it.

She’ll take the dog bed out to the back patio to give it a shake before getting it into the laundry queue (dryer and washer are chugging away). As she’s shaking the dog bed out she’ll notice that there is a crate of children’s outside toys sitting on the patio. She’ll remember that she wanted to put those in the shed for the winter. The dog bed will now be flopped over an outside chair.

When she gets near the crate she’ll notice that all the buckets and beds of the dump trucks are full of putrid water from the rain we had a week ago. She’ll hold them far from her body as she dumps the water on the grass. She’ll want to head to the nether regions of the yard to make sure all the toys are together. As she steps off the patio she’ll notice a pile of dog poo and not be able to remember the last time she had done any scooping.

She’ll walk carefully over to the pooper scooper while noting piles along the way. She’ll scoop a pile or two and then head to the designated pre-dug poop hole in the corner of the yard. The poop hole will be full to overflowing. She’ll decide to cover that poop hole and dig another. She’ll head to the shed to get a shovel.

When she enters the car port to go to the shed she’ll notice that the pine needles from the Christmas tree that was brought home two weeks ago are all over (and she’ll also remember that those pine needles keep getting tromped into the kitchen). She’ll decide to sweep the car port. Then she’ll sweep the front porch and sidewalk cleaning off some remaining leaves. She’ll fill a big trash can. She’ll start to fill a trash bag. Then she’ll remember that there are piles of leaves and dirt in the gutter in front of the house that were piled up from last weeks rain. She’ll head to the shed to get some gloves and she’ll sweep and rake that up. The bag won’t quite be full so she’ll head to the back yard to finish filling it up with some more leaves from back there. When the bag is full she’ll drag it to the street and set it next to the full trash can so it can be picked up in today’s yard waste collection.

She’ll then gather up her rake, broom and gloves and return them to the shed. While in the shed she’ll grab a shovel.

She’ll dig a new poop hole. When the new poop hole is dug she’ll return the shovel, get the pooper scooper and scoop her yard clean.

She’ll then head to the nether regions of her yard where she will find no more toys.

She’ll then load up the dry-ish buckets, dump trucks, shovels and such into the crate and carry it into the shed. She’ll shove it into a space between the bikes and the lawnmower.

She’ll pick up the dog bed and take it to the basement where she will then get a dog brush. When she finishes brushing the dog then she’ll take it for a walk.

This will all be done a day after being diagnosed with strep throat and she will be wearing the cutest yoga pants she owns.

The dog will not get a bath.

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